What you will learn from this blog:
- Setting boundaries reactively rather than intentionally often leads to negative outcomes
- Boundaries are not about what others do but what you do to maintain your boundaries
At relationship counselling at Intracresco, we see many clients who struggle with boundaries. They find it hard to say “no” to:
- Bosses who expect them to work overtime
- Friends who take advantage of their kindness
- Parents who interfere in their life
- Partners who check the boxes but are actually not compatible
This can stem from an upbringing where conforming to the interests of the family and community was of greater importance, than developing a healthy balance between community and a sense of self.
The dark side of pleasing others is a buildup of resentment from all the times individual needs were suppressed to please others.
When this pent-up resentment gets triggered, it can cause the person to draw boundaries in a reactive and aggressive way, such as:
- Blaming others
- Pushing people away
- Controlling others
This may stop their pain from getting worse temporarily, but it does not lead to a more fulfilling life. In this blog, we explain 3 common mistakes people make when setting boundaries, and what healthy boundaries actually are.
Mistake 1: Setting boundaries reactively, rather than intentionally
Boundaries are much more than, “If I don’t like something, I am going to draw a boundary.”
Healthy boundaries are not about what you do not want, but about what you want.
In essence, boundaries are a set of rules and guidelines that allow you to live life with a specific intention. They are the structures that allow a river to flow in a certain direction.
For example, every country has boundaries, such as internal laws and external borders, that achieve a specific intention – to ensure its people are safe, healthy, and able to pursue their own happiness.
The first question to ask yourself when setting boundaries is:
- What is my intention?
- What do I want?
For example, if I want a balance between work and rest,
- What rules and guidelines should I set for myself? What are my criteria when I look for a job?
- What are my dos and don’ts when interacting with colleagues/clients?
When it comes to relationships, it is important to assess if your intention of setting boundaries is to bring you closer or away from the person. During relationship counselling, we bring up this assessment based on whether this person is capable of taking in feedback and changing, and whether the relationship is worth the effort.
Depending on your intention, the way you set boundaries would look very different.
- For someone who you want to be closer to, setting boundaries can look like sharing your feelings and explaining why this boundary matters to you
- For someone you want to keep out, setting boundaries can look like not replying the person
Mistake 2: Setting boundaries without doing the inner work to overcome your fears
The root cause of difficulties setting boundaries is fear – for example, fear of conflict, or fear of being rejected by loved ones and being left alone.
As long as these fears remain, you tend to set boundaries from a space of resentment and insecurities.
It is important that setting boundaries is complemented with practices that help you heal your resentment and fears, such as inner child work.
Healthy boundaries are expressed calmly and confidently, not in a triggered state.
Mistake 3: Setting boundaries without follow-up action
The brutal truth is that there is no such thing as someone else crossing your boundaries. It is always a case of you disrespecting your own boundaries by not speaking up clearly or allowing the situation to continue.
Boundaries are not about what you want others to do, but what you will do to maintain your boundaries.
Expressing your boundaries is not enough. There needs to be an action plan to implement your boundary.
For example, if your boundary is that you want a relationship of mutual respect and trust with your partner, then some actions could be:
- Learn conscious communication and practice it daily
- Identify your needs and wants, and share it with each other
- Seek professional help to address the root cause of disrespectful and untrustworthy behaviour
Learn more about setting healthy boundaries through relationship counselling at Intracresco.
