What you will learn from this blog:
- Resentment is a sign of an unmet need
- A reflection exercise to let go of resentment
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
– Malachy McCourt, American-Irish writer
As therapists, we at Intracresco see how resentment eats us up from the inside, and it affects our mental and physical wellbeing. It destroys our relationships, and leaves no one happy.
Have you ever wondered why we do that to ourselves? This blog explores why we hold on to resentment, and how to have compassion for our resentment and let it go.
What is resentment, and why do I feel it?
Resentment is a sign of an unmet need.
Resentment is the painful emotion that comes when we perceive that we have been treated unfairly and wrongly.
The reason why we cannot let go of this grudge is because:
- We are afraid that our need to be treated fairly would never be met if we let go
- We hold on to the energy of resentment so we can use it to protect ourselves and force the other person to make it up to us
However, this rarely solves the problem in the long term, and we hurt ourselves and our relationships in the process.
Here is an exercise to process resentment constructively.
This exercise is about understanding why the resentment is there, and changing the story you have in your mind about it.
Sit down alone in a quiet space with a pen and paper. Reflect on each of the following questions and write down your answers. Don’t rush through to finish the list as soon as possible, take your time and go deep.
One:
What am I resentful about? What happened to me that I felt was wrong, unjust, and unfair?
Two:
What am I resentful about in myself?
As you are reflecting on this question, understand that our ego focuses on resentment towards others because it feels better than resentment towards ourselves.
For example, it may feel better to blame others than to blame yourself for your own actions or lack of effort that created the situation in the first place.
Three:
Why are you holding on to this grudge? What are you afraid will happen if you let go of the grudge?
As you are reflecting on this question, understand that we do not hold on to grudges for no reason. There must be some benefit.
For example, do you feel that if you let go of the grudge, they will never know how much they hurt you, and you will never get the fair and respectful treatment you are looking for? You would be indirectly saying that what they did to you is okay, and it is not okay.
Four:
Do these reasons for holding on to the grudge make sense? Why or why not?
- If you hold on to the grudge, will they know how much they hurt you?
- Will you get the fair and respectful treatment you are looking for? How long will it take?
- Is it worth it to torture yourself with this grudge while waiting for that day to come? What if that day never comes?
Five:
What are my unmet needs underlying the resentment?
For example, respect, appreciation, safety, and love.
Six:
Will holding on to the grudge actually help me meet these needs? If not, how can I meet my needs?
As you are reflecting on this, consider that it is not that you should not express your feelings and needs to others. It is how you express them that needs to change.
If you project your unhappiness to others from a space of anger and resentment, and when they are not in a receptive state, you will only get more anger and resentment in return.
If you share vulnerably about your anger and resentment and express your needs to others in a conscious way, and when the receiver is calm and receptive, there is a higher likelihood that they will hear you out.
Seven:
After reflecting on the above, consider:
- Making a conscious choice to accept that what happened happened, and to work towards letting go of the grudge
- Writing down concrete ways you can meet your own needs and do them. For example, if your need is safety, you can:
- surround yourself with pillows
- go to a sacred place
- find a quiet spot in the house
- go out for a walk
Forgiveness or letting go of a grudge (and the peace that comes along with it) – is not something we can just use our willpower to do. It comes naturally as a part of a process that takes time.
This process involves:
- Understanding why you are holding on to resentment, what are you actually looking for, and how can you achieve that in a healthier way
- Processing and releasing emotions
- Being willing to see the perspective and empathise with the one whom you perceive to have hurt you
- Sending love to yourself and to others
