What you will learn from this blog:
- It is not inevitable that relationships become boring or stagnate over time
- Relationships stagnate because people stop growing as individuals
- Tips to elevate your relationship into a vehicle of personal growth and deep intimacy and fulfilment
As therapists, we see many clients coming to us for marriage counselling, lamenting that the “honeymoon period” in their relationship is over:
- “We don’t go on dates anymore. There is no more romance.”
- “We just focus on work and kids. It feels like we’ve drifted apart.”
- “We fight all the time. It seems we are so different.”
In this blog, we explain 3 deeper reasons why this happens, and how to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Reason 01: Sweeping Uncomfortable Emotions Under the Carpet
Romantic movies and popular culture make us believe that once we find “the one,” we’re settled for life and it’s “happily ever after”.
In our relationships, we try to keep this fantasy alive by avoiding conflicts and pushing our uncomfortable emotions aside, to focus on the “positives.”
However, the more we avoid our emotions, the more they accumulate and turn into resentment. This resentment is like a pair of tainted glasses that makes us see only the negative traits of our partner.
In truth, conflicts and uncomfortable emotions are one of the greatest ways for a couple to understand each other better and grow closer together.
Only in moments of intense emotions and differences do we see sides of ourselves and our partner that we are unaware of.
Conflicts are not unhealthy; they are a normal part of all human relationships. It is the ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions, learn from them, and repair them, that makes a relationship successful.
Reason 02: Higher Stakes and Expectations
In the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship, stakes may be lower as the couple has not fully committed to each other; there is less to lose.
Stakes and expectations increase as the couple becomes more committed, and insecurities and traumas start to play out more in the relationship.
Many clients tell us during marriage counselling, that they can mostly remain calm when having differences with colleagues and friends. But when it comes to their intimate relationship, they often lose their cool.
One reason is that our intimate relationships echo the relationships we had with our parents/caregivers and thus present the perfect condition for our childhood traumas to resurface.
It is important not to see this as a bad thing. This is an opportunity for us to become more aware of our pent-up emotions and limiting beliefs and heal our traumas. Remember, we get angry because our partner matters to us.
Reason 03: Differences that Created Passion Now Cause Conflict
When we date, we tend to be subconsciously attracted to people who have qualities we lack and are trying to develop in ourselves. While these differences create passion during the dating phase, they naturally cause friction as the relationship progresses.
For example:
- A partner’s confidence that used to be attractive now become “narcissistic” and “selfish”
- A partner’s nurturing and emotional availability become “controlling” and “over-sensitive”
- A partner’s free-spirited nature and spontaneity become “careless” and “ill-disciplined”
- A partner’s focus and determination become “neglectful” and “squarish”
Many fights in relationships happen because we expect our partner to be like us.
It is important to be aware when we have thoughts like: “Why can’t my partner be more logical (like me)?” or “Why can’t my partner have better time management (like me)?”
While it is important to express your feelings and needs to your partner, it is equally important to reflect on what the incident is trying to bring out in you.
For example, is it calling you to be more connected to your emotions? Is it calling you to be less uptight and more present?
When both partners see differences not as a “problem” but as an opportunity to balance themselves, the relationship matures from that of “puppy love” to a powerful vehicle for growth.
Here are two tips from us as couple therapists in Singapore, for reconnecting with your partner if you feel the “honeymoon period” is over:
- Individually sit with the uncomfortable emotions you have felt in the relationship, and reflect on what they are trying to tell you about yourself
- Schedule a regular time (e.g. a date once a week) when both of you can connect and be completely present with each other without distractions.
Some guiding questions:
- What did I do this week that made you feel loved and supported?
- What can I do to help you feel more loved and supported?
- How can we continue to grow as individuals and as a couple in this relationship?
This is one of the most common misperceptions that we come across from couples – that there is a honeymoon phase in relationships, and it is natural for the honeymoon phase and romance to fade away after a while.
Relationships are not meant to stagnate. Just as nature continues to grow every moment, we are always growing as human beings.
What causes a relationship to stagnate is not time, and stagnation is not inevitable. Relationships are meant to evolve and deepen as we grow as individuals. We cannot expect the relationship to remain the same.
The key is to constantly work on being self-aware and on connecting with our partners. When we do this, we realise that we are constantly rediscovering our partners and getting to know them at a deeper and deeper level. This is what makes the honeymoon period last.
